累。

现在应该是晚餐时间。
可是我却不想吃。
我害怕吃饭时候。。眼泪不争气。连饭都变酸了。
是的。我是胆却的。。
这个时候无论我说什么也没用了。

我真得很想静一静。。
为什么你们都在问我要什么？
我要的。。只是。。静一静。。
或许我听不见，看不见。。也可以假装我不晓得。。
我很不好！
我讨厌自己按着心疼还对着别人说我很好！
但是我必须这样做。
我不想变成他们说的。哭着找人帮忙。。。

我也很想哭。。可是我却不想抱着人哭。。
看着他们所写的东西。。
我想。
这大概是我自食其果吧。
谁叫我当初相信他们的话？
真心的。。无论如何不会伤害我？
给他们一次机会。。到底是给他们机会伤害我。还是接近我呢。
我曾经相信过他们。
我心寒。
曾经大大声说会保护我的你们。。。
如今都变了。
再一次见识。。人性的脆弱。。
男生？不可信吗？
女生？也可怕吗？

我开始讨厌人了。。

心好累。。好疼。。

我不俱别人谈论我。
但我却害怕见到。。那种别人样子的丑恶。
我自己也是这样的吗？
像他们这样的吗？

当初信誓坦坦的那些句子。
原来只是谎话。。。
我只求你们说出真话。。
心。。
越来越寒。。
大家都在维护什么？
是我。。是友情。。 还是自己？

故事里。 故事外。 的人？
到底有谁会站出来说出真话？
还。。。吵不够吗？

我好烦。好烦。好烦。
好累。好累。好累。

都没人能明白吗？

confused.

对不起，这将是一片长篇大论而且应该是参差内容不怎么整齐且令人摸不着头脑的一篇心情纪录。
对不起，因为我将不会写下英文翻译。因为这是我最原始的。。
最烦躁。。最郁闷的心情。。
抱歉我没心情去整理我自己先在想说些什么。
抱歉我很烦躁，烦躁得找身边无辜的朋友们发泄。。
所以我只想在这里说说我心里面最没有底线的心底话。
忍啊忍。。我忍得好辛苦阿。。。。。。。
我讨厌！
讨厌我自己是一个很悲哀的人类。
我很多时候。是很喜欢小动物的。
童话故事里。。 有很多很多的坏人。
但是有很多很多的好人。到最后总是好人会有最最美好的结局。。
总是他们过着美好的日子。
现实中也有好多好多的坏人。
好人也会到最后有好日子过吗？无忧无虑吗？
大概是不可能吧。我想大概。。变成一只兔子。可能还能无忧无虑。。
善良不会伤害你的，很多时候不都是不善言语的小动物吗。。

人会说话因怎样呢？ 往往。。词不达意。
往往说的，都不是心里面所想的那些话。。
往往说的，都是会伤害别人的话。。
往往说的，都是因为讨好别人说的话。。
往往说的，都是为了能够让自己能够在社群里面立足的话。
那我们心里的话，
到哪里了呢？ 到哪里了呢？
动物他们不懂得说话，
所以他们少了很多烦恼。
因为他们不需要考虑它们应该在什么时候说什么话。。 才不至于得罪别人，才不至于下次让别人拿出来讨论。

那件事。。
其实我从头到尾。没有发表过任何的。。确定的。。 言论。
我没有说， 因为我懂我会越说越错。
但是我却在看，
看了身边的朋友不同的举动。
大部分我的朋友们都不约而同地问，
怎么了？
是谁说你了呢？
但是却有些开始不开心了。
他们反应特别激烈。
他们开始觉得。。我误会他们了。
他们开始站出来反击了。
我可以问心无愧。站出来说，我从来也没说过。你在说我。
那如果你没有说过，
何必这么大反应？
你们说我在没听解释之下做了定论。
问题是我定论也还没下，
而你们又何尝给过我机会去解释？
事情在发生，
双方的我们，
在还没听对方片面字词的时候就互相责备。
所谓什么友情，
在我面前表露无疑。
所谓友情，
脆弱得不可思议。
我想昂首对着天。。大喊。。这就是你引以为傲的人类之间的情感？
多脆弱？我嘲笑。。
嘲笑，你们多么天真。。
我又是多么天真？
明明自己什么也没说，
我所做过的只是问。。他是在写我吗？
这一个问句，
就足以毁掉一年的所谓友情。

猜疑，
不满。
其实在这一切发生以前就已经存在。
问题很小吗？
导火线可能很小，为什么一触即发，
你们可曾想过？
如果你们没有说过。
又何必，
这么在乎？
而明明，就有人承认了你们有说过了不是么？

我说了，对不起。
我是觉得自己有错的。
在朋友那里，说真的。
我很难把全部人都当作是我最最好的朋友。
也有很多的事情， 我觉得我没有必要跟所有人说。
这是我做错的地方。
我错了。 在沟通方面做得不够。

可是我还是觉得我们都欠对方一句抱歉。
到现在我所看到的，
还是对方。在指责。的一些。文章。
抱歉，
如果你们不是在写我。
那为什么你们这么在以我对你们文章的看法？
斗气吗？

我很不很不很不很不开心。
就连我为了他特地准备的那一次旅行。
也变成了一个让人去私语的话题。
那时，是你让我支持你的。
我说过我会的。
但是你们不是说不想看到我们吗？
那我去有用吗？那是一种支持吗？
我不都有告诉你们我不能去了吗？
那为了什么在最后还是这么不满？
为什么不满又不说出来？
我有错吗？
我只是想开开心心也有错吗？
为什么一切的责任都在我身上？

他们喜欢我，我也有错吗？
我说得不够清楚吗？
我迷惑他们了吗？
我真得很迷惑。
那你来告诉我，
这么厉害的你，会怎么处理？
会怎么处理这一连串，不曾停歇过的问题？

家人，朋友，爱情。
我都做得一塌糊涂。
我已经很努力很努力很努力了。
该做得我都已经作了。
我真的已经尽力了。

爸爸要加油。
这些天，我真的觉得你老了。
心真的好痛。 我能做的就只是每天跟着你走出走进。照顾你体力上的不足。
可是你心里的压力，我也好想好想分担。
好想好想我能快点长大，
或者。。
好想好想自己会凭空消失掉。。
大家都会好想不认识我。。
爸爸也不记得我。。
那爸爸就少了一个负担。
我也不用在这里拖累你了。。
我迟了。。迟了出生十年。
却害你多劳累了十年。
你的头发都斑白了。年过半百的你。。
几时才能真正休息呢？
得空才能听听你心事的我。。常让你担忧，放不下的我。。
希望你一切都能安好。
就算用我的十年，换你的十年，也是值得的。也是值得的。。

对于朋友。。还有你们。
我能做得我都尽力了。
这么多事情发生了以后。。
我了解，很多事不是说你尽力了，
你用过了心。你付出了就会得到你所希望的。
更多的事，是你不希望发生而且依然会发生的。
我不想解释，也不想做任何的谈判。
是因为我懂得，
在这件事以后，所有的补救。都没有办法再缝灭彼此心中所留下那一道伤口。
感情之间的裂痕，
只有时间能够磨灭。
事情淡。了。
人们就会冷静的重新看待这件事情。
当初自己多么激动在半年`一年以后看起来都是傻乎乎的。多不值得。。多浪费时间与力气。
然而要是我们没有这一切，
没有伤过。跌过。
没有爱过。哭过。
没有经过。历过。
没有痛过。恨过。
没有累过。困过。
没有烦过。忧过。

又怎么会有今天的我们？
今天坐在这里的我们，
又有谁的心还是完整的？
谁的身上不是伤痕累累？
我们都这样走了过来了。。。就继续走吧。
抱着希望，继续寻找你想要在你这一声里找到的东西吧。
找到你最珍贵。最想保护的东西吧。

我学会了一句话，四个字。
顺其自然。

Appreciates. 感谢。

Recently, some incidents happened in my life.
Some brought me full of joys,
some worried me ,
some come along with some troubles,
some really taught me valuable lessons.
Somehow,
i had learned how to be more independent.
i had learned how to differenciate between true friends and the other way.
i had learned how to face problems bravely.
i had learned not to avoid the problems, like what i did in the last time.
i had get started to do more than last time that i did, be more positive and hardworking in my future.

Somehow,
I knew myself is always the lucky one as in having so a lot of good friends who concerns me a lot while i'm facing the problems.
I appreciate. and here a thousand of words can't even express the real feelings in my heart towards my friends.
I appreciate this all incidents had taught me a very vivid lesson that who besides me are not worth to be friend and not to trust with my heart.

and i decide not to act in front of those people,
not to wear a mask that act happy in front of those who are actually talking my stuff badly behind of me and acting friendly to me while facing me.

People who really knows me should know i hate people who acts like that the most and now i declare that, i'm going to do something according to what they did.

Please do not overdid and over my limit.
i have my private life, i lead my private living. i do need some privacy too.
Don't you feel tired of discussing other's life behind ?
Don't you feel tired of making story and guessing other's mind with your angle too?
Don't you feel tired of typing out script that you are not really clear with it ?

I will not jump out to the public and tell everyone about what i'm doing
and what's the reason i'm doing it too.
Because that is my privacy and it is not necessarily to do so.
I do what i think it is right,
I do what my friends supporting me to do,
and i'm doing what they think i'm right.

People who knows me well doesn't need me to explain,
people who likes to gossip will be gossiping everywhere even though i had explained to them.
people who doesn't want to trust you and not clear with you ,
will still suspecting you after your explain.
i don't need a explaination to my deary friends.
they know me well.

please don't say like i'm using my friends.
i feel that you are insulting them,
don't you think you are underestimating them?
they are clever and enough of maturity to judge about what a person I am.

If you think you can see thru me that I can tell you,
you are definitely wrong.
Yes, i'm wearing a mask,
who does not?
whoever will wear their mask when facing the public in their life,
that is purely because of self defensing.
I admit I'm.
And you dare to neglect that or saying yourself never go out with a mask?
Only when i'm with my real friends,
I will take off my mask.
And that time, i reveal myself to them.
have my real enjoying moments, memories with them.
and they are who,
who really can categorized as my real friends,
and only them have the right to criticize me :)
I will not try to explain for myself in front of you all.
and i just getting tired of ,
leaking information in my life.
stop acting friendly in front of me.
if you are tired of acting in front of me,
you can choose not to meet me,
because i'm tired of meeting you too :)


Please do not show your fake concerns if you are not.
I don't need a fake friend :)
nor my dad too.
i don't tell people about my dad,
because i know it will be a interesting topic for you all.
somehow the news spread out,
and now,
some negative news are coming out with that.
nobody will use illness as their weapon to gain pathetic from others.
I don't need gain anyone passion with that,
and here i declared.
I'm not so desperate yet and need to gain guys' pathetic and passions or love by using my dad as my shield.

Yes,I am having a sick,
that was there when im in my primary school time.
but i don't think that i'm weak and need someone to take care.
i do not need people to take me as a patient though.
Please do not tell people like i'm that weak like a patient who is going to die.
I'm strong and capable to do anything just as a normal person, thank you.

here once again,
Do respect people privacy.
I won't care what you all say,
just i also have my right to say something about that.
thank you.

小顽皮。from eddie ;)

来自eddie的一个将近半夜的惊喜。
谢谢你。我真得很喜欢，很开心。。
不用一个人睡了：）
它很可爱，也很活跃。
我会好好照顾它的：）

a surprise in the midnight from ed,
thanks ne! i really really like it very much..
no need to sleep alone from now onwards :)
it is so active and adorable.
I will take good care of it :) promise.

Clovers birthday :D 四叶草生日会

Just some photo for the day for memories.
And thank you for you guys to come :)
thanks for the people who helped me for the party set up and preparation.
Credits to Pey voon, Ah yi, Eddie, ah bay and ken .

Thanks for the presents you all gave that night and the memories we have made.
I love my secondary gangs and my college gangs! You all are the best in my life!
Thanks shing iie , lwl, calvin , david and yenn yee for help me to accomplish my birthday wish, craft for my clover...
Thanks once again to lwl for editing the clover to be lightened. hehe, it's great.
Lwl, i know u sakit perut, thanks for coming and sorry to know you get into sick in the next day..take care okay?

Thanks shing iie for coming so early and helped out of me that day. :D
nice to meet you, really!

Thanks calvin and lwl for brought me the containers and the shit u both had given to me as my present..

Thanks david for coming even the next week is your final.

Thanks to my secondary gangs, especially to yen yang for driving and i know you definitely will be scold by ur dad after you come, really thanks, dai lou!

Thanks to MAMA hui xin and BABA abu for coming and mama, you are really great and caring T_T!! thanks for the make up that night, i like it , hehe..

Thanks hui ying and xiao min , even so busy yet still comes to my party.
Oh yea, thanks to "zhi quan" too, helped out really a lot that night.. :)

Thanks ah yi and Eddie helped me to wear the yugata which you both get to learn it from youtube's guilde, hahahaha!! Thanks clover san for the yugata too.

Thanks to RO gang for coming too.

Thanks daddy bebelui for the bracelet you gave, i'm wearing it everyday now.
And bay's necklace too.

Thanks to Lei and Viv's clover book and green crystal. I like the story very much :)

Thanks to kendrick for the big green green.

Thanks to everyone for your present :D

Specially appreciate for sammy and shui for playing the guitar and solo-ing the Fall for you song. The moon is really round. i really enjoy it very very much.. it will be my precious memory in my life.

Thanks to pey voon for being my personal assistant and photographer on that day!

Thanks to eddie and bay for the surprise on 8th may, even though that time i'm not really in mood. but i really really appreciate it.

Thanks for the seed of four leaves clover by bay and eddie too, i ng she dak to plant it even now.. hahaha.. :)

Thanks for yi who made my room full of shining stars now. It makes me sleep peacefully every night now..

Thanks god who brought me a bunch of nice friends and family to celebrate my 19th birthday with... Wish next year i'm still here to celebrate my birthday with all my friends.

Thanks raymond for show up that night, we are still very best friend , okay?

thanks to everyone who wish me have a happy birthday :D

really a thousand of thanks i wished to say it here.
hehe
Here goes some photos..

太多事情，太少时间。

你从来都是我最信任的人。
我知道你绝对不会做伤害到我一分一毫的事。
无论你自己要受多少苦。。也不会宁愿去伤害我。
但是我更知道。
要是我让你知道我好痛苦。。
你会更加担心，会自责。。为什么自己帮不了我。

今天看着你的那一刻。。
突然间想。。
是不是。。没有了我。你会更开心。。你看起来好快乐。。
我们好像越来越远了。。
是不是考虑得太多呢？
我没什么。。
你开心，就好。。
我们都是这样想的吧。。
你还好吗？
我最好的朋友。
有事情瞒着我吗？
担心我吗？
你不开心吗？
你还好吧？
我最好的那位朋友。。。
请相信我。
你将会在我心里，
存活一辈子。
或许现在你觉得帮不到我，
内疚自责。。
可是。。
我从来都不怪你。。
很感激你。。
不离不弃。
那就是对我最好的支持。。
我最能信任的人不多。
你，
无需再怀疑。
我最好的朋友。。
请别担心。。
请相信我。
我会好好过。 :)
谢谢你，
水。

Dad had discharged

these few days ,
morning at 7 wake up to factory.
after that went to hospital and back to home fetch mom,
then lead to hospital again...
haha.. so fully schedule and occupied,
everyday almost 11 or 12 only get back home.
talk to those business uncle that i don't even know before.
Trying to comfort my mom.. and not to argue with her..make sure she don't argue with dad too.
calculate the exterior design graph that i never learn before.
calculate the bill and deal with the UBS system, hoho, luckily i learned this before.
and luckily I'm considered as a business student so that i quite familiar with those steps of the trades.hahaha..
and talk to the doctor and nurse about dad's situation and the insurance people too.
afterall still need to settle the party stuff that day i lend from my friends
and fetch back the hi-fi to my brother.
And yesterday night,
was so happy that dad had discharged from hospital.
Today i fetched him to factory for some necessarily stuff that he need to settle and i had bought something that I can cook for him to lower his colestrol and blood pressure.
Had found some information from net and talk to the people in hospital about how to take care of his meals from now on. @_@.

Thank you my friends and my relatives.
I'm fine. my dad is recovering. I will take care of him and my mom. At least, i will try my best to do so. hehe. no worries. I'll do it with smiles. :)
thanks yi. these few days being guli there. hahaha, personal slave sia.

ps. If you all know some delicious recipe for healthy food, please kindly send it to me. i need to cook a lot different dishes leh. tolong tolong. hahaha